Goddamn SportsCenter…

Hi ESPN, Remember the days when your flagship show, SportsCenter, was a charming and fresh way to give us objective sports scores and news?

ONLY TO TURN INTO THE MOST BIASED AND UNBEARABLE SHOW ON EARTH! FUCK! THANKS, DISNEY! IT’S LIKE GETTING ASS-RAPED BY MICKEY MOUSE HIMSELF.

Do you really see it as necessary to match every highlight with 10 minutes of ranting by former flame-outs like John Kruk and Jamal Mashburn? WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT THEY THINK!? 99% of your analysts can’t even form a coherent sentence! Plus they give commentary that any asshole that has just looked at a basketball for the first time can make:

“Well the Celtics soundly defeated the Cavs, what do you think about the end result (insert brain-damaged professional athlete)?” – “As I said before the game, the team that was going to score the most points at the end was gonna win.”

YEAH, NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK!

NOT TO MENTION YOU REMINDING US EVERY 5 MINUTES THAT YOU’RE LIVE FROM FUCKING L.A! What does flashing video of the Third Street Promenade have to do with the Cubs/Cardinals score!? Do you really think people are channel surfing… only to tune into SportsCenter and think: “Wow, they are in L.A now. Finally some fair and balanced sports news!” NO, THEY DON’T, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! WHOEVER RAN THAT FOCUS GROUP SHOULD BE LOCKED INSIDE A FLAMING PORT-O-JOHN FOR BEING SUCH A MORON!

Then, being how your cluster-fuck programming wasn’t bad enough, you toss in some puff pieces that are beyond irrelevant: they’re just fucking stupid…

WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT WHAT ORIGINAL CAST OF THE BRADY BUNCH HAVE TO SAY ABOUT TOM BRADY 3 GODDAMN DAYS BEFORE THE SUPER BOWL? OR LOU HOLTSHHHZ SOUTHERN-LISPING HIS WAY THROUGH A PEP TALK BEFORE HIS OWN INDUCTION INTO THE COLLEGE HALL OF FAME!?

This is getting ridiculous.

I know it’s really hard for you guys to find sports news outside of reporting about Favre, Kobe, Tiger, Lebron, and fucking Tom Brady, but here’s something you could try: Fair. Balanced. Reporting. Hell, even find someway to get MaxiPads to sponsor some 5 minutes segment on something tangible and pleasant to watch for all I care.

Unfortunately, I think the NutriSystems diet has left all you taints mentally impaired.

GO FUCK YOURSELF, ESPN.